“It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
yes, I am confused and am seeking clarity? I am not really sure what I really want to say and how to put it down exactly; I am confused, you see…
Oh, did you suggest to look deep inside and there lies the answer; the clarity? I try. I can see chaos only. How deep, how far and for how long? May be what kept me going yesterday, this morning, a while ago, that was the way out? Why cant I follow that way now?
I make new resolutions every time I get stuck and assume that I am moving on. It doesn’t last long and things start pulling me back, to the point where I am confused again. This is an agonising exercise for my perplexed mind. It exhausts. There, I confront an argument if I actually want an answer, a clarity? May be I know, I can see but just not willing to accept it? I may not be ready to embrace that revelation?
In order to feel accomplished and alive, I am expected to offer bit more and even more. Its nice to be a champion of household dedication but at the end you are only qualified if you have a resume of other achievements. Here starts all the confusion, you know. I have worked for over ten years before marriage and deep down I know I can’t just sit down and blow my trumpets about my household achievements or what I gained in the past. I am demanded both inwardly and more outwardly to make a bigger show. A part of me, sometimes, wants to just relax and enjoy life the way it is. I don’t want to conquer the world or travel to the space. I just want to chill out! As soon as I dwell into this revery, a pop-up notice emerges from the real world outside, wake up!
Once again, I don’t know how to figure it out? What do I actually want from my life? How can I justify my being here with all my talents and resources? I want to be a known writer, a more qualified teacher, professor, a better painter, a more sociable person, somebody who is known more than a mother and a wife??? Is that only a pressure from the outside world and has nothing to do with what I have become or what I was supposed to be? What if I failed to be more than that? I am confused….
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