“It’s a lack of clarity that creates chaos and frustration. Those emotions are poison to any living goal.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
yes, I am confused and am seeking clarity? I am not really sure what I really want to say and how to put it down exactly; I am confused, you see…
Oh, did you suggest to look deep inside and there lies the answer; the clarity? I try. I can see chaos only. How deep, how far and for how long? May be what kept me going yesterday, this morning, a while ago, that was the way out? Why cant I follow that way now?
I make new resolutions every time I get stuck and assume that I am moving on. It doesn’t last long and things start pulling me back, to the point where I am confused again. This is an agonising exercise for my perplexed mind. It exhausts. There, I confront an argument if I actually want an answer, a clarity? May be I know, I can see but just not willing to accept it? I may not be ready to embrace that revelation?
In order to feel accomplished and alive, I am expected to offer bit more and even more. Its nice to be a champion of household dedication but at the end you are only qualified if you have a resume of other achievements. Here starts all the confusion, you know. I have worked for over ten years before marriage and deep down I know I can’t just sit down and blow my trumpets about my household achievements or what I gained in the past. I am demanded both inwardly and more outwardly to make a bigger show. A part of me, sometimes, wants to just relax and enjoy life the way it is. I don’t want to conquer the world or travel to the space. I just want to chill out! As soon as I dwell into this revery, a pop-up notice emerges from the real world outside, wake up!
Once again, I don’t know how to figure it out? What do I actually want from my life? How can I justify my being here with all my talents and resources? I want to be a known writer, a more qualified teacher, professor, a better painter, a more sociable person, somebody who is known more than a mother and a wife??? Is that only a pressure from the outside world and has nothing to do with what I have become or what I was supposed to be? What if I failed to be more than that? I am confused….
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I guess not knowing who we are and what our purpose in life is the ultimate irony of life. We are what we make of ourselves but we can never figure out who we are because that is the greatest mystery of our lives!
While one may look upon their past life of achievements, accolades, struggles, and difficult decisions, it is ultimately the then-and-now that determine our course of action. Being a full-time mother is not an easy job. One is required to be present all the time- to share in the joys, the griefs, the achievements, and all the while being a best friend to one’s progeny. I believe that this, if done correctly, is worth more than the extra money one can make.
It is not considered an idle task to correctly nurture the mind of one so young- to mould that character into a person of principle and morality. Life happens only but once! If we spend it more with the people we love then there should be no pressures on us to do otherwise.
Thanks Zaeem. Your views always support and enlighten well. Unlike other close friends you didn’t make a point that my writing exposed me very depressed and lost person:)
Well, I agree with you and one who is so honestly and devotedly performing the noble job of motherhood must mar it with the distractions as said. I am putting my faith into this enlightened now. May Allah guide and help me through.
Once again I immensely appreciate your participation. I don’t have many people as aware and willing to be the part of serious learning like yourself. Bless you.
Well, every single soul in this world is exposed to others, in one way or another. So, sharing thoughts with the world or even the ones closest to a person is a refreshing reminder of how sociable humans are and how fun it is to interact with others!
I truly do wish you all the best in raising your beautiful daughter. I am completely sure of one thing, though; if you’re doing to her what you did for us, she’ll be the kindest and sweetest person in the world! 🙂
InshaAllah! Jitay raho:)x